My Testimony

 

Hello, and welcome to my ministry. 

This testimony is right and true, but as all know the journey, our testimony becomes richer, and how we grow deeper, our struggles and trials increases our faith, all making us become more like Him and different than we were a year ago. Can you say the same?  We are constantly changing. I will be updating this with more soon and I hope that you will be blessed by what God has done in my life, and are inspired to trust Him with yours. (Still haven't addressed the new...It is September 1st). I am just not ready to add yet...this can stay as it is until then. 

So, enjoy what you read from where I was, and stand by. 💓

Changing Me (Original Lyric Video) // Anna Golden

I was born and raised in a non-Christian environment—but as a young child, I sometimes was sent to churches and events that taught little on who Jesus was. I didn’t even know that we were celebrating Jesus’s birth at Christmas or His resurrection at Easter. In fact, I don’t recall ever being taught about sin or the need for a Savior. All I remember are puppets and a story that didn’t make sense to me. 

And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. —Deuteronomy 6:6-9. (NKJV)

What I did learn—through my parents’ attitudes, words, and actions—was that I was a brat and evil. They didn’t call my actions sin per se and didn’t teach me the antidote for my sins: Jesus’s forgiveness, which entails reconciliation and unconditional love. After He forgives, He never brings it to mind again. 

For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, So the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. —Psalms 103:11-14 (NKJV)

No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” —Jeremiah 31:34 (NKJV)

He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins. Into the depths of the sea. —Micah 7:18-19 (NKJV)

With my mother’s marriages, I was adopted two different times and subsequently had two adoptive fathers. My biological father wasn’t in my life after I was three years old. He wasn’t allowed to know me nor to exist as a useful father in my life. In recent years, I learned that he wanted to know me, thought of me, and yet chose to live in complete bondage to alcohol and drugs. He died, but only Jesus knows if he made it to our Father’s embrace. I pray that he did. 

The two fathers who adopted me seemed to see me as a threat, as something to stomp on, either through verbal, sexual, mental, or physical onslaughts. They wanted me to know that they were perfect in mind and knew better. 

The man who primarily raised me—my first adoptive father—told me that he was perfect and god. Through his various ways of mentally torturing me, as well as physically and sexually abusing me under the guise of discipline, he’d made it clear that I was nothing and unloved, not important in this world. Yet, he expected perfection on all fronts with everything I did. My sister, on the other hand, had a way out of discipline. I had to suffer the consequences of her choices most of the time, when she was young.

Does OCD and anxiety come from these events? Yes. Type A personalities stem from this kind of experience, as does paranoia and trust in relationships with all people. I was broken. 

In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who  is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. —Ephesians 1:13-14. (NKJV)

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

 

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. —Ephesians 3:14-21(NKJV)

The second adoption (I was 15) led to feelings of betrayal and continued lack of trust. I watched my sister receive plenty of support and unconditional love from this adoptive father, while I was treated like a broken young woman who needed reminders about how imperfect she really was. 

Once again, I had a father who played mental games and made it clear that an honest and true relationship with him wasn’t feasible. He didn’t want me and encouraged my decision to become engaged at 17 and leave for California with my fiancé. 

When I graduated from high school, I had scholarships. I just needed someone to love me. School couldn’t give me that. But this man, soon to be husband, seemed to love me, so I left with him. What did I know about love at 17? 

I needed a Savior, an unconditional love, a man who would die for me and tell me it’s okay to not be perfect. I needed someone to care for me when I’m sick and hug me when I’m weak in heart. Jesus has been and forever will be the perfect man in my life.  He died for me over 2,000 years ago and had planned to save me before laying the foundations of this world. He is the ultimate husband and friend. God our Father made me and knew me. He was the Father I never knew nor experienced. He knew what I was to go through, and yet my Father and my Savior chose me. They have always been there reminding me of their love for me. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

 

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.

 

In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. —Ephesians 1:3-14 (NKJV)

When I was 11 years old, there was a wonderful family who heeded God’s call. Their children would come to my door and look through the window, wanting to be friends. They wanted me to know their Savior and the ultimate of ultimates when it comes to a Father. They brought me to church. Me. Just me. Then one day it clicked, and I realized who Jesus is and what He’d done for me. I learned I was a sinner and broken, which is why He died and rose from the dead for me. Little did I know that the journey would require a price: struggle, trials, tribulation, and woe. Also, little did I understand back then that my Father in heaven was teaching me and hearing me every night and day as I prayed for help and the ability to forgive. I wanted to be loving, kind, gentle, and all those things that the Bible promised: the fruit of the Spirit. 

How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, Who brings glad tidings of good things!” —Romans 10:14-15

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. —Galatians 5:22-25

Jesus my Savior knew I was in fire after fire, and He was keeping me from being destroyed. He was taking the nasty pieces that I was being taught as well as those that were part of my being from birth. He was sifting out the bad and putting His being in those places. All it took was obedience, trust, faith, and constant forgiveness. Who better to do this than my Savior and true love? The man of my dreams. 

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. —Hebrews 4:14-16

I indeed was constantly being thrown into fire after fire, not just by the world, but by my choices. I read the Bible daily. It was a practice that I was told would help me. And it did. My Father was faithful and true. He made sure His word never returned void—and that I had a way out with healing on the other side. It took my trusting Him, believing that I am unconditionally loved by a Father who always had my best interest. Who always thought of my needs and what I needed, before I came to the place of destruction. He is faithful and the ultimate Father. 

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, And make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seed to the sower And bread to the eater, So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please,  And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. —Isaiah 55:8-11

There are so many things that I learned from the wilderness and trials by fire. My first husband wasn’t the man that I thought I’d needed. Nor was it fair to expect it. He didn’t seem to do as God calls husbands to do, as it pertains to their wives. At least, I didn’t understand why he didn’t do these things consistently or at all.  He didn’t know that a husband is to try to understand his wife, to cherish her, and to be unconditionally loving. We both had a lot of growing to do, and eventually, he moved in a different direction than I. He left me and I was heartbroken beyond measure. 

And to be fair, I didn’t know what respect your husband meant either. I didn’t know that my words were more powerful than my actions, as it pertains to my husband. I didn’t know that he was unable to meet the needs I craved from a man in my life. The unconditional love and understanding weren’t there. The hugs weren’t enough because I couldn’t trust him. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones. Honor the Lord with your possessions, And with the firstfruits of all your increase; So your barns will be filled with plenty, And your vats will overflow with new wine. My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights. —Proverbs 3:5-12

After my husband left me, I didn’t have any idea what to do. I felt hopeless with no one to comfort me, not knowing that God was still there. I read the Bible, but I was still fearful. No one would step up to bring me to church, fellowship with me, and be that reminder that I was His. 

But the truth was, Jesus had never left me. He was wooing me through the time I was single. I didn’t see it, because I was frustrated and angry with the Lord for not answering my daily prayers of wanting to reconcile with my husband. I didn’t understand. I prayed daily throughout that marriage and tried to grow with Christ the best I could, without my husband attending much of the time. At the beginning, he was going, then he stopped. I kept trusting that my husband would go back to him, but my actions and words, of which I was being worked on, were not helping with his growth and our marriage’s growth. Eventually, he fell out of love. I was frustrated with the Lord about this, because I thought He would save it. I thought He would keep us together. I tried so hard, but my ex-husband’s heart was not loyal and not truly mine. 

I went through a trial of prodigal living, due to my limited trust in Jesus. There was little that I was willing to give up in my life. I was in control. I didn’t think He had time for me. I felt abandoned, even though Jesus had never left. He was there, waiting for me to run to Him, not from Him. 

During this period, I’d been on medication that I shouldn’t have been on and was drinking wine in the evening to deal with my anxiety. I wasn’t relying on Jesus and my Father to help me through my brokenness. I thought I needed to do something about my PTSD and other issues. 

My ability to hear the Spirit’s voice was clouded at best, and I wasn’t doing what was right before God. I was encouraged by the only people in my life—family—to sow my oats since I’d married so young. I decided it was a good idea, though it wasn’t. I knew better. I’d had enough time in the Word even without the fellowship to know better. However, I was desperate and broken in spirit. I was being told by the only people in my life that I was stupid, always making bad choices, and that grownups go out and have sex with those they date. It’s part of the process, they’d said. I didn’t know it wasn’t true, but who was there to tell me otherwise? 

I’d gone to churches but had no real fellowship. No one took the time. I was sad and lonely. I  didn’t hear the small voice of the Lord in my ear telling me what to do.. Would I have listened if he yelled? Maybe not. I was broken, sad, and frustrated with His will in my life. I didn’t trust the only Father who loved me, because the men in my life had always abandoned me, always led me astray, and always treated me like I was no one. What did I have to lose? My life? That was okay with me, but I knew enough that suicide wasn’t the right answer. 

I was convicted about my lifestyle. Yet, Jesus my Savior and God my Father in heaven were still there, waiting for me to come back.

“But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! ‘I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men.”’ “So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. “And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate. —Luke 15:17-24

There was a man I dated who took the time to tell me that my lifestyle wasn’t what God intended for me and that I needed to do what was right before Him. That man was the only one In my personal life to bluntly tell me what I needed to hear. He humbled me in a gentle way that only Chist within him could have done.  I quickly rethought my path and what God says in His Word.   I chose to  stop running in the opposite direction. Whoever you are ( I forgot his name), thank you. You did well. 

But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. —1 Peter 4:7-11

Before long, I’d cried to the Lord and met my second husband. I married him soon after we’d met. He had many kids, and I was still in transition back to the Lord. I attended his grandfather’s church intermittently and eventually attended Bible studies. I struggled to trust people and wasn’t sure who I was amid my choices and background. During that time, I slowly returned to reading the Word and praying the way I used to. 

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. —James 4:7-10

I began to have a strong move to get off the meds and seek therapy. This second husband was a blessing at the time, as he encouraged my healing.  That took less than a year, and eventually I was off the meds. During the transition, I was led through illness to get off alcohol completely. I knew it was OK to drink wine before the Lord, but God wanted to have me completely reliant on Him and nothing else. Medication and wine no longer were my way to manage any anxiety or stress. Jesus is my Rock and Fortress. He is my Defender and Healer. 

I started hearing His voice. I was obedient to fast and pray. Soon after, God led me to seek out my spiritual gifts and understand them. I had to change churches to learn this. I needed to be fed the way I was fed before I became prodigal. The Calvary Chapel church I attended offered the right amount of food I needed. I became ravenous with hunger, once I began to attend this church. I desperately wanted to be in Bible studies right then and wanted to ensure other women like me had the same need satisfied.  I learned about my gifting and how to use it. I met people and have true fellowship with others.

    Update 7/2024:

  I will be adding the change with my 2nd marriage, which is ending in a much needed divorce, here soon. The only way to explain this is when we are running hard and fast towards Jesus, those in our household and families who are resistant to a true believing Christian, will not handle it well and begin to show their true fruit and their love of you. 

      This will be a testimony about the goodness and faithfulness of God, perseverance, more healing, redemption, and God's abundant mercy, grace, and overall loving comfort when we go through persecution in life, especially with those closest to you. I will fill this in after July.  Just know, I am safe and way more joyful and at peace than I have every been. God sees us, in our deepest needs, as His kids. He is faithful to help redeem us out of a situation we didn't mean to get into. And I get to tell you some "But God," moments as well...like being helped by an angel...Oy Vey! That was so cool! God knows and I will share this more detailed testimony soon. 

I still have my struggles, but God has been my Rock and my Father of grace and hedge of protection. He is my El Shaddai (Almighty Father, All Sufficient One), and He is my Jehovah Jireh (My Ultimate Provider). These are the names I cling to. These are who He is to me. He is my Abba (Daddy in Aramaic). As His daughter, I am on speaking terms with the Creator of the universe and can go to Him, whole and complete in His eyes. He is helping me grow and learn more about His character. He is my Father. All the fathers I had abandoned me, but not Him. He wants me to Himself. How cool is that? I am good with that and am content. He will defend me when I am being persecuted and broken down. He will avenge me, because He is my Avenger. He will hear my prayers, because I submit to His will and not my own. He is my ALL. He was and is and is to come. He is everything to me. Jesus is my true love and God my Father is mine. They love me, and that is what heals me and keeps me whole. I can do nothing without them. I can do nothing without the Holy Spirit’s power and might.

 

Blessed be the Lord my Rock, Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle—My lovingkindness and my fortress, My high tower and my deliverer, My shield and the One in whom I take refuge, Who subdues my people under me. Lord, what is man, that You take knowledge of him? Or the son of man, that You are mindful of him? —Psalm 144:1-3

 

Just so you know, I am a complete sinner with my words and actions. My thoughts sometimes will come out in my words, but through God’s grace and help, I’m not speaking the way I was raised. I’m not impulsive and angry the way I was taught. I can do what is right more than I ever could before. I am slowly growing into the new creation God made me to be through His son, my Savior, Jesus Christ our Lord. Without the Holy Spirit’s help, I am nothing and unable to do good. Praise be to God almighty!

 

But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor,]sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. —2 Timothy 2:20-26

What are my gifts you ask? The Holy Spirit gives at least one gift to His children. The Spirit knows what is coming, what is needed for the day, and our future. He knows our calling. My main gift is prophecy. It’s the main component used in my life.  Prayer, worship, and teaching are the ways I’m used. I began using this gift to teach the Word to my kids only. Then was led to this blog, videos, and this site. I have a particular calling to express the prophetic side of the Word, but that is to be revealed in its time. Interceding is what God uses me for quite a bit. Music is a way in which I pray as well, and I am given music in my mind to pray for others or give it to others for encouragement. Exhortation is something God has been teaching me for a long time, but it has been enhanced. I ask daily for whatever the Spirit would give for the day, but usually I ask for wisdom, knowledge, and discernment. Discernment of spirits is a new need, but it’s given as needed. I use the other three to help with the prophetic and exhortation gifts. It is up to the Spirit if it is needed. 

We all exercise the various giftings throughout our lives. My heart is for those who are lost. I’m often led to bring many to Christ or back to Christ. So many people profess to know Christ but aren’t walking with Him at all or don’t really know Him. My experience taught me to keep my eyes open for those who are alone or for those who the Lord puts on my heart. I ask the Lord to open my eyes, ears, and mind to what He sees, hears, and perceives. He always grants my request, which allows me to see where there is need as they come.

There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all: for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually as He wills. —1 Corinthians 12:4-11

With that in mind, my heart is about getting into those basics that people take for granted, the Bible, worship, prayer, service, and fellowship. Jesus’s testimony throughout the Word, from the Old Testament to the New Testament, is a big focus of my teachings. Most think the Word is something to be read once and you're done. It’s not a novel. It teaches you something you never knew each day you open it. His Word never changes, but the effect does. How He addresses you changes, because sometimes you need a rebuke and other times you need encouragement. Sometimes what seems to be an encouragement to one person is a rebuke to another.

Prayer also is taken for granted. As is worship and service to the Lord. These fundamental principles are being abandoned by many churches—including fellowship of the believers. Not having fellowship contributed to my going astray. We’re social beings and require fellowship. That’s why Bible studies are so important. The main church services are equally important, but the studies are where you get true fellowship with believers. Not many know this, but everyone needs to be in small groups to learn about Jesus and our Father, using our gifts to edify one another. 

Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. —Hebrews 10:19-25

This is the testimony I share with those who take the time to read it. I encourage you to reach out to those who are invisible in the church and encourage them, learn about them, spend time with them. You might be the one who can exhort them back into fellowship with the Lord or bring them to Jesus. Remember, we are at battle whether we know it or not. There are many casualties. Stop worrying about yourself and see what’s happening to those around you. 

Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.—James 5:19-20